A Claridade dos Gestos Obscuros #03 (Podcast)

– We have always spoken of leaving.
Always it seems. already since the time we were children.

He’’s a very young man.
He must be about the age
you were on that beach.

Twenty three,
I seem to remember.

The sea seems to be sleeping.
There is no wind.
There’’s no one.
The sea is smooth as in winter.

I can still see you out there.
You used to seek out the waves
and I would cry out for fear.
And you wouldn’’t hear
And I would cry.

– I used to think I knew every thing.
Everything.

– Yes.

– To have foreseen everything
Everything.
Everything, that might happen.
between you… and me.

– Yes.

– I thought I had considered everything,
Everything.

– The pain, no.

– That’’s never possible.

– That’s it.
Never.

You think you know it,
as yourself.

And then…
No.

Each time it comes back,
each time miraculously.

– Every time no one knows anything.
Each time for example, with this departure.
You never know anything.

– Yes.
And you’re going to leave.

– Yes.

– You must have lied, too.

– When?

– When you sent me
the telegram about the meeting.
“Come, come tomorrow.
Come because I love you.
Come.”

– I couldn’’t say otherwise.
I didn’’t lie.

– You might have said:
“I’m leaving. Come.
I’m leaving.
Come, since I’m leaving.
Since I’m leaving you,
Since I’m leaving.”

– I didn’t want to say
that I was leaving you
No.
I wanted to see you, I think.
Nothing else. To see you.

And then…

Leave you afterwards.
Very quickly afterwards.

Like at the very moment I saw you.
Everything is so dark.

I think I’m leaving
because the force,
so powerful, of our love.

That we have for one another.

I couldn’t avoid this trip.

I feel I need to leave you
as much as I feel I need to see you
I yield to these things
without understanding them.

– You’’re leaving when, Agatha?
– Tomorrow Very early.
At four in the morning.
In the dark of night.
You know those flights
The sun comes up after the Azores.

A woman…
took you there once.

You were very young.
It was in the spring.

– I’m not sure.
It was before you.
I don’t remember.

So your body
will be carried off far from me.
Far from the frontiers of my body.
It will be irretrievably lost… and I shall die.

Nothing shall remain.

– No.

– There’ll be nothing
Neither living nor dead.
It shall be mine in that way.

– Yes, it’s yours.

– That’s what you wanted to do to me.
– Yes.

– This suffering.
– Yes.

– Agatha.

///////

Others who might know this story
might say this:
It is because
of this impossibility
that he felt
unable, him
to leave her,
which made her
think about leaving him.

They would say:

He was the eldest,
older than her by five years.

Agatha was the second oldest.
So he was used to deciding
for the younger ones.

He could not have foreseen
that she would leave him
without leaving at least some hint.

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